Embracing Emptiness

We’ve all had the experience of losing something significant to us, whether it be a loved one to death, a relationship that has run its course, a job that was a part of our identity, the ability to do something we once loved doing due to illness or disability, or any other myriad of things we once held that have slipped through our fingers.  Grief is the natural response to loss, the painful process we need to undergo in order to integrate our experiences and fully open ourselves to new ones. After the denial stage of grief, when we accept that we no longer have what we once had, there is often a permeating sadness and a sense of emptiness. Many well-meaning loved ones and friends will encourage people to immediately “refill” that emptiness:  “Go date somebody new. Don’t wait to get a new pet. Find a new hobby and throw yourself into it,” etc.

​Eventually, we want to refill our lives.  But seeking to do so too hastily is risky.  The biggest risk is that we will miss out on the incredible growth potential that exists when we are willing to lean into the emptiness and discomfort, to explore it.  It is a scary thing to do. We have a tendency to define ourselves by our careers, our relationships, and our activities. When one or more of these dissolves, we can start to question our ideas of who we are.  This is actually a good thing.  Loss, and the sense of emptiness that accompanies it, is a powerful reminder that we are so much bigger and so much more than anything that is happening outside of us.  

When people we care about are suffering, it can be very tempting to advise or distract them, or even to encourage them to feel differently.  This may come from a good place, but is generally not helpful. The best thing you can do for someone who is suffering a loss is to be a space where he or she feels free to fully experience and express whatever it is that he or she is feeling.  This allowing to be is the basis of true connection. Since our ability to connect with others begins with our ability to connect to ourselves, it is imperative that we learn how to give ourselves this space first.